Once Upon A Time....
Once upon a time there was a girl called Janet and a boy called John. They were quite boring really but everybody seemed to love them. They played so much together when they were young that they were practically joined at the hip. Then one day, when they were big enough to know better, they were playing a game of Mummies and Daddies in the old plastic Wendy House in the garden. Janet was washing the dishes and John was sitting in the armchair watching when he was struck by a sudden thought. Why didn't he ask Janet to marry him? And then he would have someone to wash his dishes for the rest of his life. John did not like washing dishes. This seemed like a very whizzy idea. So he said:-
Janet, will you marry me?
Janet was annoyed that he was distracting her from this very serious task with such trivia and replied:-
No, you lazy bastard.
John was a bit disappointed for a few seconds then he looked at his watch and realised that it was time to go to the pub so it didn't matter anyway. John liked the pub. Janet could sod off.
John had a dog called Spot which he felt was a particularly imaginative name for a black dog. Come on Spot, he said, let's go to the pub. You like the pub, don't you Spot? Truth to tell, Spot hated the bloody pub. He had to sit there for hours looking cute and rolling over every time some fawning idiot came up to tickle his tummy and fiddle with his bits. The best part was when they stuck their stupid hands back into their packets of crisps without realising he'd been rolling in fox poo all afternoon. Snigger.
John met his friend Peter in the pub. John and Peter like drinking beer together. They drink lots of beer together. Spot gets very bored watching them drinking beer and talking shit. When they had finished drinking beer and talking shit, John said goodbye to Peter and Peter said goodbye to Spot. John staggered back up the lane to the Wendy House to see if Janet had finished washing the dishes. Hello, he said, as he stumbled through the little red plastic door. Have you finished the dishes yet?
Janet was cooking.
- What do you think you stupid bastard!
- Will you marry me then?
- No, you drunken idiot!
A few years later John was watching Janet hang out laundry. She looked very pretty in her apron and the sun was shining. John was very fond of Janet. He couldn't really imagine life without her. They had been playing together forever. He suddenly realised he was sober and that this might be the moment to try popping the question again:-
Janet, do you mind if Spot and I go to the pub?
Janet, will you marry me?
Janet was annoyed that he was distracting her from this very serious task with such trivia and replied:-
No, you lazy bastard.
John was a bit disappointed for a few seconds then he looked at his watch and realised that it was time to go to the pub so it didn't matter anyway. John liked the pub. Janet could sod off.
John had a dog called Spot which he felt was a particularly imaginative name for a black dog. Come on Spot, he said, let's go to the pub. You like the pub, don't you Spot? Truth to tell, Spot hated the bloody pub. He had to sit there for hours looking cute and rolling over every time some fawning idiot came up to tickle his tummy and fiddle with his bits. The best part was when they stuck their stupid hands back into their packets of crisps without realising he'd been rolling in fox poo all afternoon. Snigger.
********
John met his friend Peter in the pub. John and Peter like drinking beer together. They drink lots of beer together. Spot gets very bored watching them drinking beer and talking shit. When they had finished drinking beer and talking shit, John said goodbye to Peter and Peter said goodbye to Spot. John staggered back up the lane to the Wendy House to see if Janet had finished washing the dishes. Hello, he said, as he stumbled through the little red plastic door. Have you finished the dishes yet?
Janet was cooking.
- What do you think you stupid bastard!
- Will you marry me then?
- No, you drunken idiot!
*********
A few years later John was watching Janet hang out laundry. She looked very pretty in her apron and the sun was shining. John was very fond of Janet. He couldn't really imagine life without her. They had been playing together forever. He suddenly realised he was sober and that this might be the moment to try popping the question again:-
Janet, do you mind if Spot and I go to the pub?
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